Patiently Waiting for Rebirth
You might not have noticed it but spring is on its way. On my daily morning walk with Stella, the dog, I see it springing up in the yards of my neighborhood. The bright blue carpet of tiny flowers that covers one lawn reminds me that winter has come and gone. It’s time for rebirth. But my spirit and heart don’t quite feel it.
Instead, I vacillate in an imposed limbo. On one side, our wonderful European vacation memories and past life as small business owners still shine bright; on the other side, an uncertain future looms. I’m living through trauma and as long as I’m in it, I can’t quite get my head around it. It’s hard to name and even harder to see beyond it.
As each day unrolls with uncertainty, it’s been easy to get lost in a drab, monotonous cloud. And when I ponder my chances of surviving, it’s been easy to give in to worst case scenarios. But I have found one thing that keeps me from seesawing back and forth continuously. It’s called the preciousness of life. As long as I am alive, I want to be fully aware of each precious moment. I don’t want to squander a minute of each day that I can still live.
I’m reading a lot about “stick to your routines” and “make things seem as normal as possible”. The thing with routines is one can get stuck in them. The thing with normal is that it doesn’t stop us in our tracks.
When Jim and I talked about our new normal, we at first looked at it as a life in waiting: “When this whole thing is over…” We soon realized that maybe the best we can do is accept where we are right now and start to think outside the box. We have experience with this. It’s our recurring theme. When events happen that are beyond our control, we reframe our expectations, we focus on the possible, we relish the simple joys. I can take the time to make bread and turn into it art. I can let my life slow down and use this time to dream up new ways and new plans.
So, as spring pokes through the dead leaves, we also find our way toward the light. It won’t happen overnight. But every precious moment counts. And soon, there will be a new world blooming in the face of impossible odds. Maybe this year, for me, this is the meaning of resurrection.
